Living by seasons.

In fall I would live in Boston.

In winter I would live in LA.

In spring I would live in DC.

In summer I would live in Portland.

Or maybe Provo.

People I admire and would like to be like.

In general: mostly philosophers and Russian authors, fictional characters, prophets, etc.

In specifics: David Paulsen, James Faulconer, Travis Anderson, Kierkegaard, Levinas, many parts of Nietzsche, Tolstoy, many parts of Dostoevsky, Levin, the Little Prince, Sarah Street, Gordon B. Hinckley, Nibley, Joseph Smith, my paternal grandpa.

More.

Some things make me really glad I am a vegetarian.

Watching Food Inc. for the first time is one of them.

Good night, the moon.

I keep being the kind of tired where it is easier to stay awake doing nothing than it is to take the requisite steps to get ready for bed (brush teeth, take out contacts, wash face, etc.). I am that kind of tired right now.

15 Books.

15 books that changed my life, yadi yadi yada.

1. The Little Prince, St. Exuprey
2. Anna Karenina, Tolstoy
3. The History of Love, Kraus
4. Works of Love, Kierkegaard
5. Fear and Trembling, Kierkegaard
6. The Great Divorce, Lewis
7. The Giver, Lowry
8. The Idiot, Dostoevsky
9. White Nights, Dostoevsky
10. Sofia Petrovna, Chukovskaya
11. East of Eden, Steinbeck
12. The Road, Mccarthy
13. Thus Spake Zarathustra, Nietzsche
14. Totality and Infinity, Levinas
15. Sophie's World, Gaarder

honorable mentions:
Skinny Bitch, Barnouin, Freedman
The Secret Life of Bees, Kidd
Ender's Game, Card
Chronicles of Narnia, Lewis
Siddhartha, Hesse

15 Albums.

15 albums that will stay with me.

1. The First Days of Spring, Noah and the Whale.

2. Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, Wilco.

3. I'm Wide Awake it's Morning, Bright Eyes.

4. 69 Love Songs, Magnetic Fields.

5. Hard Candy, Counting Crows.

6. Gold, Ryan Adams.

7. Heartbreaker, Ryan Adams.

8. Transatlanticism, Death Cab For Cutie.

9. Five Ghosts and the Seance, Stars.

10. Louder than Bombs, The Smiths.

11. An End Has a Start, Editors.

12. God Help the Girl, God Help the Girl.

13. Reservoir, Fanfarlo.

14. Re-arrange Us, Mates of State.

15. Antics, Interpol.

honorable mentions:
August and Everything After. Counting Crows.

Nashville Skyline, Bob Dylan.

Cardinology, Ryan Adams and the Cardinals.

Bless You Friend, The Glendale Rabashaw.

Where the Wild Things Are, Karen O. and the Kids.

Umberto Ecco, Lists, and Meta Lists.

Italian novelist, Umberto Eco, said:

The list is the origin of culture. It's part of the history of art and literature. What does culture want? To make infinity comprehensible. It also wants to create order—not always, but often. And how, as a human being, does one face infinity? How does one attempt to grasp the incomprehensible? Through lists, through catalogs, through collections in museums and through encyclopedias and dictionaries... We have a limit, a very discouraging, humiliating limit: death. That's why we like all the things that we assume have no limits and, therefore, no end. It's a way of escaping thoughts about death. We like lists because we don't want to die.

Perhaps we also like lists because we want to live. Perhaps I like lists because I want to live. And like them I do. I have liked lists for as long as I can remember, into the time that I can't.

• I like the way they simultaneously help us order our world, and open our world to us in a new way.
• I like how easy they are—that they don't require complete sentences, paragraphs, or thoughts.
• I like how they help us keep track of things, and remember things, and accomplish things we may not have been as likely to check off otherwise.
• I like how in narrowing in on certain details we forget others. The revealing/concealing of it.
• I like how clean they are, and how concise.
• I like that they may also be long, and that they can get longer.
• I like their dynamic nature in general—that something may always be added or taken away.
• I like that their topics range from the pedestrian to the profound.
• I like their form.

Lists I am considering making:

1. 15 albums that will stay with me.

2. 15 books that have changed my life.

3. People I admire and would like to be like.
4. Things I would like to accomplish in my life.
5. Books that I read as a child.
6. Books that I will read to my children.
7. Books that I want to read.

8. Books that have made me cry while riding airplanes.

9. Books that have made me laugh while riding airplanes.

10. The happiest moments I can remember.
11. What I have wanted to be.
12. What I miss.

13. What I don't miss.

14. Things I have lost.

15. My favorite smells.
16. Things that make me feel safe.
17. Places I would like to visit.

18. Things I can't do, or can't do well.

19. Things I am good at.

20. Celebrity crushes, mine.
etc.

In Retrospect.

After noticing an abundance of unfinished blog posts, I decided to go back and publish several saved drafts. Consequently, if you ever wanted to know what was on my mind August 21, August 11th, May 22nd, May 3rd, April 20th, April 19th, February 1st, or December 7th, now is your chance.

By title:

• What is on my mind?
• I have been gone too long.
• Yesterday I had a bad day.
• So this is what passes as grad school.
• The 'UP' house is in my neighborhood.
• Homesick, cause I no longer know what home is.
• Once upon a time this arrived in my mailbox.
• Playing House, pt. 2
• Playing House, pt. 1

Mission Accomplished.

Some days my single greatest responsibility is to purchase $20 of chocolate for my very pregnant sister-in-law, to which task I can answer, "Done and done."

I fear. I believe.

My friend Elizabeth once attended a discussion night of sorts, where everyone stood in two lines. Each person took turns, going to the front of those lines. There they said things they believe, and things that they are scared of. When others agreed, they would move to the opposite side of the room. The imagery is beautiful to me, and was to her as she shared in this solidarity and witnessed that she was neither alone in her fears nor her beliefs. Inspired by my friend, I present my own list.

(Sometimes) I fear that I may be living my life wrong.

I fear that I may be a bad librarian.

I fear that the only thing I know how to do well is be a student.

I fear that it will take me a long, long time to get a job.

I fear decisions.

I fear endings.

I fear that I won't ever love someone as strongly as I loved the last person I loved.

I believe in kindness.

I believe in Heavenly Mother.

I believe in truth.

I believe in prayer.

I believe in 8 glasses of water a day.

I believe in fruits and vegetables.

I believe in color.

I believe in spring.

I believe in babies.

I believe in biking, running, dancing, etc.

I believe in planting gardens.

I believe in the power of words.

I believe that people may change. That I may change.

I believe that there is nothing that the road cannot heal.

I believe that there is no place like home.

I believe in happy endings.

I like this.

If I were Peter Pan...

D.C., Kristina, and October 21st would be my happy thoughts.

My nephew only speaks Farsi.

Truth/semi-truth. He does say "mama" and "dada," but everything else I've heard him say stems from his half Persian roots. Consequently, I am learning Farsi too, one word or phrase at a time.

Things I can say:

food

milk

give me a kiss

come here

bird

dog

Yesterday for the first time in my life I was grateful for East to West Coast time differences.

It was one of those nights where you couldn't sleep and needed to talk, but didn't know who you could talk to—who would be awake. And then you remembered: the person you trusted the very most in the world lives in New York when you live in California, making your 2:30 in the morning his 5:30. And lucky for you this individual wakes up extraordinarily early. So you could talk. For 1 hour and 41 seconds before he had to get ready for work. And you are safe.

Marching Bands of California.

The other morning I woke up to sounds of the local high school's marching band. It was not that awesome, as it was a. significantly earlier than I planned on waking, and b. confusing. It happened once my first week here as well. That time in my half conscious state I remember thinking I was dreaming of a marching band. When I awoke fully it dawned on me that I now live by a school, and that it probably really was a band. Later I asked my brother, and sure enough. This time in my semi conscious state I kept thinking, "Why is Hyrum playing the drums this early? Why did he set up the drums in the garage? He has to go to work. He's expected in court this morning... etc., etc." I was thoroughly perplexed. Now I wonder if every time it happens my subconscious will find some new way to explain the sounds streaming through my bedroom window. It seems possible.

Words I like/words I love.

quaff

quiescent

specious

mendacity

salubrious

mercurial

You learn something new everyday.

Sometimes I even learn two new things a day. For instance, today I learned that Interpol has a new album out, and that their bassist quit after recording it.

I am listening now.

My brother cares about my safety.

Approximately once a day, some form of the following conversation takes place:

Hyrum: Where are you going?

Me: Running. (Walking. Dancing. Movie watching. Etc. Etc.)

Hyrum: Okay. Be safe. (Very occasionally: Okay. Be careful.)

It has been a long time since I've lived in a situation where someone I resided with felt responsible for me in this way. There is something comforting about it, to know there will be a light left on for me. Following the one night last week where I actually was out with friends until a very late hour (or very early hour, depending), he and my sister-in-law both related that the first thing they did upon waking was to peek out the window to see if the Volvo and (by extension) I, had made it home. It is sweet, really.

I am still trying to get used to my new life.

On one hand, I have become so domestic. I go to sleep at respectable hours and wake up at (relatively) respectable hours. I change diapers. I read children's stories. I occasionally find baby drool on my clothes. The two songs stuck in my head right now are from Yo Gabba Gabba. My social interactions revolve around my brother and sister-in-law. Etc.

On the other hand, last week I drove a Camaro and Lexus, just to go get food.

It still seems funny to me.

Two best friends.

We are tied together by our mutual love for: teenage books, porches, homemade pizza, pajamas, party cake ice cream, Community, ocean swimming, empathy, Kierkegaard, Indigo Girls, Sarah Street, Katie Baratta, and so forth.

(I miss him. I miss him. I miss him.)